


and still, i’m dreaming

by jjokkiri



Series: monsta x bingo (winter 2017) [12]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Monsta X Bingo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-05
Updated: 2017-03-05
Packaged: 2018-09-28 15:08:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10125524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjokkiri/pseuds/jjokkiri
Summary: The last time Kihyun asked Hoseok to meet up with him, he was busy. The time before that, he was with his parents——but, Kihyun’s too afraid to admit their relationship is slowly falling apart.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [andnowforyaya](https://archiveofourown.org/users/andnowforyaya/gifts).



> Written for the lovely and amazing [andnowforyaya](http://archiveofourown.org/users/andnowforyaya), who asked for pain for her birthday. I hope that your birthday has been a lovely day, and that every following day treats you kindly, because you deserve it.
> 
> And by amazing coincidence, this happens to also fill the _Long Distance Relationship_ square for [Monsta X Bingo.](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/MXbingo)

 

There was a time when Kihyun truly believed that there was such thing as something that could last forever.

He believed that there was a chance that the sheer force and power of what one believed was _love_ was enough to pull through all adversities and last an eternity. But, it doesn’t. It didn’t. It couldn’t.

But, if he closed his eyes he could remember when they were happy——the moment his phone had beeped with a notification of Hoseok asking him if he was free; that moment when he’d called the older man and was confronted with a shy proposal to start a sweet relationship. He could remember, so clearly, the details of the moment, because it had been the one moment he’d waited forever for. To officially become Shin Hoseok’s boyfriend was something he’d dreamed of for years.

They used to go to the same school and Kihyun’s heart raced, skipping beats, whenever he looked at the older man in the hallway——always too shy to speak up and ask him about his day. And then, a fateful day when Kihyun had forgotten his phone in the classroom, he’d run back into the room just as Hoseok had been running _out_ to find the owner of the device. And he could still remember the way his heart pounded in his chest when Hoseok’s fingers brushed against his when he returned the device.

That was the start of a friendship, and one of the happiest moments of Kihyun’s life.

And Kihyun’s family moved away from the city just a few months after they’d really grown close to one another. They’d lost contact with one another, but as if by some sort of fate, they found one another again through social media——connecting through mutual friends (because sixteen-year-old Kihyun lost the small sheet of paper which Hoseok had scribbled his phone number onto).

That might have been where Kihyun developed that foolish idea that they could have been something perfect, because with distance, they found a way back to one another.

So, when Hoseok asked him to be his boyfriend, despite the miles between them which made it impossible for them to see one another frequently. Hoseok promised him that they would make it work, because he loved him. Kihyun believed him.

But, perhaps, Hoseok had finally grown bored of him after all of these years.

Even after the time when they’d managed to both find a day to schedule off of work to travel the miles to meet up with one another, kissed for the first time and everything else. And then the heart racing moments when they’d wake up to cute text messages; sometimes sweet voice messages. Kihyun knew there was a point when every couple left their honeymoon stage, but he’d never quite heard of the crash and burn, after all the years which meant absolutely everything to him——to them, surely.

Recently, he’d just been feeling like a second priority, and he’d never been the type of person to push into someone else’s personal life when they wanted space, but he missed his boyfriend——missed how they’d been so inseparable even though they were so far away from each other.

Sometimes, they’d call one another late at night, but the phone calls felt so distant. As if he didn’t have all of Hoseok’s attention, and he was thinking of something else. And Kihyun would blame himself for thinking too much into it, when he really didn’t need to and they were the same.

But, he could hardly convince himself that nothing has changed between the two of them——because how did they go from childishly hoping that there would come a day when they could just spend every second of their lives together, talking about everything in the world and never wanting to hang up (because to do so was to spend another moment without hearing the other’s voice), to short lifeless conversations with clearly set ends?

He didn’t want to fall out of love with Hoseok, because all of his life, he’d just known to love him.

But, there’s something that Hoseok isn’t telling him, and he doesn’t know what it is. His friends have danced around the suggestion that Hoseok might have found someone else, but they’d promised that they would give up if that ever happened, because having someone close was better than to love across distances. Hoseok would tell him, so it couldn’t be.

And Hoseok doesn’t mean to hurt him, he knows (yet, somehow, piercing silence hurt more than if Hoseok were to tell him that he’d found someone else——someone better than Kihyun).

Three years of being together was a feat where they _should_ know everything about one another. But, the one thing that Kihyun couldn’t figure out was _why they’d grown so bland_. When it became a thing between them to _not_ be able to tell one another everything in the world. When Hoseok whispered that he loved him, after they finished their short Skype calls, it simply didn’t sound as sincere as it once did; it didn’t make Kihyun’s heart flutter as hard as it used to.

And he wondered if it’s really Hoseok’s fault.

Maybe it was him.

Maybe it was because they were too far from one another to hold, and that was what made them feel like they were so distant. He wondered when it started becoming a problem——being unable to hold one another, kiss and promise that their feelings would never change. Perhaps, it really was him: because when his work schedule never matched up with Hoseok’s off days, and they could never meet up——even if they were driving to meet one another halfway.

The last time he’d asked Hoseok to meet up with him in Seoul, his boyfriend had been in the middle of a business meeting. Hoseok apologized over and over for an entire week, but it didn’t stop Kihyun’s heart from sinking into the pit of his stomach and the disgusting whisper in the back of his head to claw at him and say: _‘he doesn’t love you anymore’._

No matter how much he tried to reassure himself otherwise, the more he tried, the more it seemed fake.

Because the truth was that not every relationship had its happy endings and forever after really didn’t exist. Some stories had their tragic ends, but those were the stories that no one talked about, because they pried at broken hearts and empty souls——Kihyun thinks he might know what it all meant, now. Watching all those romantic movies and dreaming of eternity with Hoseok did Kihyun no good——because imagine investing everything into hopeless dreams and watching it all fall apart between your fingers.

He’d heard about it before, but it seemed nothing beat experiencing that pain.

 

 

 

They used to make plans to call one another every single night, but at this point, it seemed like they were doing it out of habit. As if it wasn’t because they wanted to do it anymore, but because they were so used to it that it would feel strange to not. Days didn’t feel complete without finishing up daily habits, and if it meant that they needed to call one another.

It didn’t mean it would save a dying relationship.

Tonight, the lighting on Hoseok’s side of the video camera is dark and he can’t really see anything. But, he doesn’t say anything to make the older man turn on a light so he can see his face——maybe remind himself of why he’d fallen in love in the first place (with Hoseok’s breathtaking beauty, and then everything else after).

But, his attention focused on the blinking light of his laptop’s charger instead of towards the phone he held in his hands, and Hoseok seemed to notice that he wasn’t looking at the screen. He said nothing about it, but had Kihyun been paying more attention, then maybe he would have noticed the sad smile on the other man’s lips before he shrugged it off and cleared his throat.

Kihyun jumped, and Hoseok’s voice rumbled through his headset as a chuckle.

“Are you sleepy?” Hoseok asked him, and it sounded ever so gentle. Kihyun remembered when his heart would jump at the simple question and he would insist he could stay up forever, if it meant he would be talking to his beloved boyfriend all night long (and Hoseok used to laugh at him; call him ridiculous and tell him to sleep, because they’d talk again tomorrow).

“Not really,” Kihyun replied, muffling a yawn. “I just woke up early for work today.”

“When do you start work tomorrow?”

“Seven.”

“I start at nine,” Hoseok told him.

“I know,” Kihyun answered. “You’ve had the same work schedule for the past year.”

But immediately, he feels bad because he knows that Hoseok was just trying to make conversation out of nothing. They’ve both never been very good at it.

In the dim light, he could see the traces of a small smile on Hoseok’s lips at his immediate response.

At least, that was something that hasn’t changed.

“You should sleep,” Hoseok urged him. “You’re going to really need it, because you woke early today. Catch up on your sleep. You shouldn’t be living off coffee again. It’s going to make me worry.”

And it’s all good intentions, but a part of him couldn’t help but grasp at him and harshly whisper that Hoseok just didn’t want to talk to him.

His eyes flickered to the timer of the call, heart sinking when the numbers proved they’d only been on call with one another for a little under fifteen minutes. And he missed when their calls would last until the middle of the night, when it was too late to stay awake, but also too late to fall asleep.

Heart sinking, he nodded and pressed his lips into a thin smile (almost forced), “Okay, I’ll go to bed. Goodnight.”

There was a silence between them and all Kihyun could hear was Hoseok’s soft breathing (and he wondered when something so simple stopped making him smile like an idiot).

“I love you,” Hoseok murmured, and Kihyun closed his eyes, letting his head sink into the pillow. “Goodnight.”

A soft breath, “I love you, too.”

Then, the line dies.

And he wonders when either of them would be able to find the courage to just open their mouths, and say _‘let’s break up’_.

(But, he knows that once his eyes fall shut, he’d dream of the days when they were happy.)


End file.
